


never a dull moment, it seems

by vogelbiene



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, Humor, Lots of implied ships, M/M, Texting, adding tags as we go boys, another mf text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21982570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogelbiene/pseuds/vogelbiene
Summary: Wherein Linhardt has a private snapchat, Ashe and Caspar illegally adopt a cat and everyone is tired of the obvious pining.
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez & Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert, Caspar von Bergliez & Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert & Linhardt von Hevring, Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring, Dorothea Arnault & Caspar von Bergliez
Comments: 12
Kudos: 65





	1. no thoughts head empty

Sunday 23:09

**Caspar**

lin u gotta help me out

**Linhardt**

With?

**Caspar**

i didnt do essay n its due 2morrow

**Linhardt**

And you expect me to help you? When the task was literally something an eighth grader could do?

**Caspar**

ya

pls lin i cant have the professor saying theyre disappointed in me again

ill make it up 2 u!!!!! ill uh…

**Linhardt**

Yes? I'm waiting.

**Caspar**

ill clean ur dorm room n take notes in class so u can sleep i promise

**Linhardt**

If I recall correctly, you said exactly that around a month ago. It lasted a day and my room was not cleaned thoroughly.

**Caspar**

im a changed man i promise

liiiiiiiin pleeeeeeeeaaaaaasssseeeeee

im desperate

lin

lin

lin

lin

**Linhardt**

Give me a minute and I will send through my notes. You can work off that.

**Caspar**

omg ur a lifesaver thank u lin i swear i'll do what i said i would this time 

**Linhardt**

[image]

**Caspar**

uh 

lin?

thats not ur notes

**Linhardt**

Oh, my bad. Ignore that. I'll send the notes now.

Sunday 23:21

**Caspar**

dorothea linhardt just sent me a nudr

**Dorothea**

oh congrats!!! finally, I was hoping the two of you would get over the obvious pining.

**Caspar:**

i have no idea wat u mean 

it was on accident wen he meant 2 send me his notes for my essay

**Dorothea**

before I tell you to do your essay, I have to ask: why would you be concerned about this?

**Caspar**

because hes obviously texting some1 else?????? and he didnt tell me he was seeing any1??? 

we r bffs we tell each other everything

**Dorothea**

and it has nothing to do with the fact that you just saw the man you've had a crush on for what, ten years, naked and in a suggestive pose?

**Caspar**

lol no we already hav seen each other naked b4

plus i dont have a crush on him wat 

**Dorothea**

suuuuure Cas, I definitely believe you.

what do you mean you've seen each other naked before?!

**Caspar**

wym 

were bros we bathe 2gether

all bros do

**Dorothea**

I want to unpack all of that, but I don't think I will.

**Caspar**

u dont get in2 a hot steamy bath with petra??

**Dorothea**

no?

**Dorothea**

anyway! why worry over this when you could be doing your essay that you need to hand in tomorrow morning? 

**Caspar**

ugh thats wat lin would say

**Dorothea**

because we both care about you and your current grades! 

**Dorothea**

go write a paragraph and then get back to me. we can talk about this obvious jealousy you have in depth ^^

**Caspar**

its not jealousy im just worried duh

Monday 00:39

**Caspar**

thank u again lin

ive done my intro n i want 2 punch a wall

why is writing essays so hard!!!!!

**Linhardt**

Please don't punch a wall, use that frustration to continue writing out of spite.

**Caspar**

wat

**Linhardt**

Nevermind, just get back to writing. I will not be saving you again if you do not finish it by tomorrow.

**Caspar**

but i need 2 talk 2 u!

**Linhardt**

You already are.

**Caspar**

ha ha

i meant i need 2 talk about ur picture

**Linhardt**

Yes? I thought I told you to disregard that. It's nothing important.

**Caspar**

uuuuuuuuhh ya it is

u normally tell me if u r seeing some1!!!

im mad bc u didnt tell me anything >:( 

idc abt the details just maybe tell me if u like some1

**Linhardt**

I assure you, Caspar, it's nothing like that. 

**Caspar**

then y do u have pics of ur naked self on ur phone

kinda weird

**Linhardt**

Because I forgot to delete it.

**Caspar**

so u DID send some1 nudes

**Linhardt**

Yes.

**Caspar**

who 

**Linhardt**

No one important.

**Caspar**

no u cant just say that 

is it someone i kno????

**Linhardt**

No.

**Caspar**

did u download tinder 

**Linhardt**

Wrong again.

**Caspar**

wtf!!!!

stop not telling me 

**Linhardt**

Caspar. 

**Caspar**

ya

**Linhardt**

Write your essay. I'm going to sleep.

**Caspar**

lin tf

dont u leave me on read

bro im worried abt ur saftey!!!! what if ur naked body is sent all over internet

like it goes on myspace

ugh fine ill write my essay but u better tell me 2morrow!!

* * *

Monday 12:18

**Caspar**

lin r u awake

Monday 13:52 

**Caspar**

r u awake yet

Monday 15:11

**Linhardt**

Did you hand in your essay?

**Caspar**

o hey lin

ya i did

**Linhardt**

And was it finished?

That five minute silence is very telling.

**Caspar**

yes it WAS finished

u have no faith in me

**Linhardt**

No, I just make educated guesses from past experiences. Congratulations, by the way. You're welcome.

**Caspar**

ya bro i couldnt do it without u!!!! thanks 

n now that my essay is done

**Linhardt**

You will clean my room?

**Caspar**

that's 2morrow

**Linhardt**

I would prefer it now, considering your short term memory.

**Caspar**

ok on one condition

**Linhardt**

No.

**Caspar**

no pls listen its an easy thing

**Caspar**

u gotta tell me why u have nakey pics of urself

**Caspar**

i gotta kno

**Linhardt**

Caspar, I don't quite understand why you're so hung up about this but I suppose I'll indulge you.

As you know, I refuse to take my parents money because of their conditions with it. I cannot work with how tired I am and I refuse to ask for help. So, rather than do anything too exhausting for money, I sell those images of myself. They seem to sell well.

**Caspar**

bro legit u could have just asked me 2 help

**Linhardt**

Did you not read the part where I said "I refuse to ask for help"?

**Caspar**

ya but it's me!! ur pal!! ur bro!! ur best bud!!

**Linhardt**

I wouldn't want to bother you with it. Plus, I can get by with this whole private snapchat business.

**Caspar**

so its a snapchat thing??? i never would have expected that of u

**Linhardt**

Me neither. 

**Caspar**

so like who set u up

**Linhardt**

As in gave me the idea?

**Caspar**

ya

**Linhardt**

I'll give you one guess.

**Caspar**

that could be any1 tho!!!

whatever at least ur not putting urself in like 2 much danger

**Linhardt**

Right.

Monday 15:21

**Caspar**

ok thea i have answers

**Dorothea**

?

**Caspar**

abt lin

**Dorothea**

ah, I see. do tell then!

**Caspar**

he has 1 of those private snapchat thingies

**Dorothea**

are you sure you're talking about OUR Linhardt here? 

**Caspar**

ya he said he wont take money from his parents n that taking pics 4 money doesnt exhaust him liek normal work

**Dorothea**

he has a point, it is easy money.

if you have the body for it, of course!

**Caspar**

im still angry that he didnt tell me tho!!!

**Dorothea**

he probably has his reasons! everyone has secrets, Cas. 

**Caspar**

ya but me n lin dont ever hide things from each other

**Dorothea**

are you sure about that? because I distinctly remember you telling me about the time you hid a sprained ankle from Linhardt because you didn't want to get him mad.

**Caspar**

i said disappointed

whatever!! thats different!

**Dorothea**

not really.

**Caspar**

is 2

**Dorothea**

is not.

**Caspar**

is 2

**Dorothea**

Caspar stop it

**Caspar**

ok but its still different

**Dorothea**

keep telling yourself that buddy.


	2. banned for manlet crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> caspar and ashe steal a cat

Tuesday 16:01 

**Ashe**

Caspar!

**Caspar**

ashe wats up!

**Ashe**

I found a cat in the kitchens just now. He's really friendly and surprisingly clingy! 

**Caspar**

im on my way 

Monday 16:26

**Caspar**

lin does ur dorm allow pets

**Linhardt**

Only small animals, why?

**Caspar**

ashe n i found a cat pls pls pls can u let us keep him 

**Linhardt**

Why can't either of you keep it?

**Caspar**

becuz ashe's roommate is allergic 2 cat n my room isnt allowed pets

hes gonna get kicked out lin u gotta help save him

ashe even agreed 2 name it after u

lincat

**Linhardt**

I hate that name. Call it something decent and I'll think about it.

**Caspar**

ashe said wat about u name him then

**Linhardt**

Hm… can you show me the cat?

**Caspar**

[image]

**Linhardt**

He looks like a cat. Name him Cat.

**Caspar**

n u call me the dumb 1

**Linhardt**

It's not dumb, it's a fitting name.

**Caspar**

ashe said ur banned from naming him

**Linhardt**

Oh, really?

**Caspar**

not really he said that u cant name him cat which means ur banned

**Linhardt**

Your logic makes literally no sense, but I won't argue. 

**Caspar**

so will u look after him?!?!

**Linhardt**

I suppose I have no choice in the matter. This doesn't mean you can constantly visit whenever you want though, I'd rather not have my naps disturbed.

**Caspar**

thank u so much lin ur an angle!!! ashe is so excited 

i always wanted a pet

**Linhardt**

I'm your angle for a lot of things, Caspar.

**Caspar**

dont make fun of my spelling!!!!

**Linhardt**

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

When will you being the cat over?

**Caspar**

rn

**Linhardt**

Alright, but you both are going out to buy supplies straight after you come here.

Monday 16:50

**Caspar**

ferdinand u have cats rite

**Ferdinand**

Caspar my good friend! Nice to hear from you too.

And yes, I have three. Ferdinand the second, Marshmallow and Nosferatu.

Why do you ask?

**Caspar**

ashe lin n me adopted a cat we found in the kitchen

**Ferdinand**

That's not really a good idea, Caspar. What if it's someone else's beloved pet?

**Caspar**

but he had no collar n we asked around n no one recognised him

so finders keepers

**Ferdinand**

You really should take him to the vet first to check for a microchip and a checkup to make sure he's healthy before keeping him.

**Caspar**

uuughghhgghh y cant i just take him its so hard 2 do all that

**Ferdinand**

Well you're obviously not fit to have a cat then!

**Caspar**

i am!!! ur just over the top with things 

**Ferdinand**

No, I just do the right thing.

**Caspar**

ya sure whatever 

anyway tell me wat 2 buy for a cat

**Ferdinand**

You're going to need a litter box, possibly training pads if it isn't house trained, something to entertain him and a cat bed of some sorts. Food is important too!

**Caspar**

ok thx

Monday 17:09

**Caspar**

ASHE WERE R U

**Ashe**

still in the pet shop, what happened?

**Caspar**

U GOTTA LEAVE RN

**Ashe**

what? caspar are you alright?

**Caspar**

I TRIED 2 GET 2 THE TOP SHELF 4 A BED N THE SHELF FELL SO NOW IM RUNNING AWAY

**Ashe**

oh god 

oh no

caspar PLEASE ask for help next time

**Caspar**

no the shop lady was mean n i WAS tall enough 2 get it but it was 2 far up the back

**Ashe**

I'm going to buy the food I have right now and I'll be out. please don't get into more trouble!

**Caspar**

ok i cant promise that

wat if there was a fight in the carpark

i gotta help

**Ashe**

the chances of that happening are slim, we're literally the only ones here

**Caspar**

but it could happen

**Ashe**

caspar please just stay put

**Caspar**

k

* * *

**Ashe**

Cas where are you? I told you to stay outside the store!

**Caspar**

ok listen

there was some1 suspicious near subway

so i followed them 

n they went in2 the bed bath n bodyworks

so i went 2 just in case

n now im lost 

**Ashe**

oh my god

okay, please don't go anywhere! I'll come find you. 

how can you get lost in there?

**Caspar**

its a big place

do u think lin would like this pillow

[image]

**Ashe**

Cas we came here for our cat supplies, not to shop for lin!

**Caspar**

ya but do u think he would like it

**Ashe**

Yes

**Caspar**

ok cool 

im going 2 look at the candles 

**Ashe**

Caspar I told you to stay put!!

Cas?

Monday 18:00

**Edelgard**

Linhardt why is Caspar in Bed Bath and Bodyworks

**Linhardt**

He went to the pet store with Ashe last time I checked?

**Edelgard**

Well he's here now and just broke three different glasses. 

Why isn't Ashe with him?

**Linhardt**

I genuinely cannot answer that.

**Edelgard**

Bernadetta is getting nervous, can you tell him to settle down?

**Linhardt**

I'm not his owner.

**Edelgard**

Linhardt. 

**Linhardt**

Fine I'll message him.

Monday 18:04

**Linhardt**

Caspar what are you doing.

**Caspar**

nothing!!! nothing at all

nope not a thing

**Linhardt**

Edelgard just messaged me. 

**Caspar**

wat does that have 2 do with me

**Linhardt**

She informed me you're breaking things in Bed Bath and Bodyworks

**Caspar**

o

**Linhardt**

Please, for the sake of both Ashe and I's sanity, don't touch anything else.

**Caspar**

i didnt mean 2!!!! they fell on their own

but ok

ill stay still 

Monday 18:09

**Caspar**

can i die from eating soap

**Ferdinand**

Pardon?

**Caspar**

wrong person

nvm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully i can get a chapter up every sunday. idk man my ability to be consistent is nonexistent (haha)


	3. don't fucking name the cat skunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar is, once again, irresponsible.

Tuesday 8:01

**Linhardt**

Caspar pick up your cat, it keeps meowing at me and trying to make a bed out of my blankets. 

I refuse to share my bedding with a cat.

**Caspar**

i have a class at 830!!!! i cant take him

**Linhardt**

Ask Ashe then.

**Caspar**

his roommate is allergic 2 cats remember

**Linhardt**

Said roommate should deal with it then. 

I can't sleep and honestly it's horrible, I am incredibly irritable.

**Caspar**

ug fine ill c wat ashe says

Tuesday 8:09

**Caspar**

ashe can u take kitty pls

**Ashe**

you know I can't! Dedue will get really upset...

**Caspar**

pls linhardt says hell kick him out unless we take him

lin cant sleep because of him

**Ashe**

what if you sneak him into class?

**Caspar**

ur a genious 

**Ashe**

Caspar

Caspar no

I was joking!

please don't do that…

Tuesday 9:12

**Caspar**

um ashe

**Ashe**

yes Caspar? what's wrong?

**Caspar**

wat if i told u 

that

**Ashe**

that what?

**Caspar**

that the cat escape my bag

n ran somewhere 

in my class

**Ashe**

Caspar!!!

**Caspar**

wat!!! i couldnt just leave him at lins

so i took him 2 class

n now hes hiding somewhere

i think hes under the professors desk

**Ashe**

honestly Caspar, I cannot believe you.

**Caspar**

well wat did u want me 2 do? no 1 else could take him and u said i should take him 2 class

**Ashe**

it was a joke! I said it straight after I sent you the message!!

what about Dorothea? Ferdinand? Marianne? hell, even Hubert or Felix! did you even try to contact them?

**Caspar**

o

didnt think of that

**Ashe**

obviously!

**Caspar**

ill go n ask professor if i can search 4 him

* * *

From: C_Berg09@hotmail.com

To: DrB_Eisner@gmail.com

Date: 14 April 2020, 12:09

hi prof,

I apologise for bringing a cat to class. I didnt know he would run away and under your desk and scare you. please don't take it out on my marks I promise you I won't do it again. it wasn't even my fault I couldnt give him to anyone else, please forgive me.

cheers,

Caspar (your student)

From: DrB_Eisner@gmail.com

To: C_Berg09@hotmail.com

Date: 14 April 2020, 18:56

Caspar,

it's chill. 

Yours truly,

Professor Eisner.

* * *

Tuesday 20:10

**Linhardt**

I still cannot believe you took the cat to your class and subsequently lost him.

**Caspar**

pls lin im dying here

**Linhardt**

You brought it upon yourself.

I suppose I learnt my lesson, then. Keep the cat from Caspar.

**Caspar**

no u cant do that!! im his legal father

**Linhardt**

You quite literally stole him from the kitchen. I don't that constitutes as 'legal'.

**Caspar**

ugh 

that doesnt matter i am his dad bc i love him!

**Linhardt**

Does that mean you're my father too?

**Caspar**

WJAY

NO

no

donf u go there dont dont dont

Tuesday 20:15

**Caspar**

DO U C THIS.

[image]

the real linhardt would NEVER have a daddy kink

**Dorothea**

that is quite the comeback! I can't say it's a flirt but… considering how Linny is, it could very well be an attempt.

**Caspar**

no lin doesnt flirt

i dont think he has a romantic bone in his body anyway

**Dorothea**

I beg to differ :)

**Caspar**

waht does that MEAN

**Dorothea**

;^)

Tuesday 20:17

**Dorothea**

I see you took my advice!

**Linhardt**

There was no advice to take.

**Dorothea**

don't think I didn't see your cheeky message to Cas

he's currently freaking out about it btw

something about how it couldn't be from the "real Linhardt"?

**Linhardt**

I expected no less.

I guess it's because I never joke around too much with anyone, really. 

**Dorothea**

awh Linny :(

**Linhardt**

I don't like it much anyway. No real point to it. 

**Dorothea**

hmmm it sounds like you need to spice up your life!

**Linhardt**

No thanks. The Snapchat was enough for me.

**Dorothea**

I can provide many more great ideas! we can even revamp your wardrobe.

**Linhardt**

Oh no.

**Dorothea**

is that giving me permission? ;3c

**Linhardt**

No, not at all. Please don't do anything, I am quite happy with my life the way it is.

**Dorothea**

alriiiight I understand

I'll accept it

for now

anyway!!

go deal with your bf, he's spamming my phone with messages I can't even make out with all the typos in them

**Linhardt**

For the last time, we aren't together. 

Tuesday 20:21

**Caspar**

lin uve changed

**Linhardt**

You're right, I have. I don't like it very much, so I'll probably just sleep it off. It's not very in-character of me to do all these things, is it?

**Caspar**

no its not

do u have a coma???

**Linhardt**

Concussion, you mean.

**Caspar**

lol same thing

**Linhardt**

Please never say that again. 

As for your question, no I do not. I simply listened to Dorothea and I regret acting out her suggestions.

**Caspar**

SO ITS DOROTHWAS FAULT

Tuesday 20:25

**Caspar**

U

**Dorothea**

me?

**Caspar**

yes u

messin with lin

tryna make him in2 some sort of sylvain

**Dorothea**

I would never do that to anyone!!

that would be torture. literal torture.

**Caspar**

well idk wat ur tryna do but stop it ur mindwashing him

**Dorothea**

brainwashing him? I doubt that. he simply made his own decisions! I just gave him a little push & some inspiration uwu

**Caspar**

dont u uwu me

**Dorothea**

uwu

**Caspar**

GRRRRR

**Dorothea**

he's a grown man and he can make his own decisions, Cas. 

I know you're used to how he is now and how he's always been, but sometimes it's a rewarding thing to see someone change - even just subtly! like watching a caterpillar grow into a butterfly

**Caspar**

its just not lin tho

hes very set in his ways anyway so idk y all of a sudden he listens 2 u

**Dorothea**

ah, I see the problem now.

for someone who claims to be never jealous, you sound rather jealous right now!

**Caspar**

its not jealousy!!!!!!

**Dorothea**

obviously I won't be able to get it through your thick skull, but know that I know all. 

**Caspar**

no u dont 

also my skull is average thickness thank u very much

Tuesday 20:27

**Linhardt**

You better not be harassing Dorothea, Caspar.

**Caspar**

lol no y would i do that

**Linhardt**

Because you tend to do exactly that.

**Caspar**

u have no trust in me

**Linhardt**

No, not really.

I do have to ask though, did you ever name the cat? 

**Caspar**

no ashe n me couldnt think of a fitting 1

**Linhardt**

It feels rather weird to continuously call it cat. I did offer that as a name at first but that was never a good idea in hindsight.

**Caspar**

uuuuhhhhhuuh 

idk i wanna call it smth cool like thrasher or punchy

but ashe said that they werent good names

which is a lie but whatev

**Linhardt**

Ashe is right on that one.

**Caspar**

SHUT UP

**Linhardt**

But maybe think of a name that suits his colour. 

**Caspar**

uhhhhhh hes black n wite so smth like skunk

**Linhardt**

Go discuss this with Ashe, I can already feel a migraine coming on.

**Caspar**

but liiiiiiiin

lin

lin

linhardt

dont ignore me :(

Tuesday 20:31

**Caspar**

ashe lin is ignoring me bc i thought of a name idea for our cat 

**Ashe**

surely he has a valid reason to that?

**Caspar**

lol no skunk is a perfect name

**Ashe**

:/ 

**Caspar**

well do u have any better ideas

**Ashe**

yes, actually 

do you remember going through that Warrior Cats phase?

**Caspar**

ya but we were like 8

**Ashe**

we were 12

anyway!

why don't we name him something like that? 

**Caspar**

thats a good idea 

**Ashe**

hmmm

Milkpaw? since he has little white paws

**Caspar**

ya that fits!

ok milkpaw it is

can u tell lin bc hes still igmoring me

**Ashe**

must I?

**Caspar**

do it for milkpaw

Tuesday 20:40

**Ashe**

Linhardt! how are you

**Linhardt**

Tired. 

Has Caspar asked you to relay a message to me? Something along the lines of "tell Lin to stop ignoring me"?

**Ashe**

well no, but also yes?

he told me to tell you that we decided on a name for the kitty!

**Linhardt**

If it's skunk I will have a haemorrhage.

**Ashe**

oh no! we decided on Milkpaw

a homage to our younger days when we loved warrior cats

**Linhardt**

Interesting… but I agree. It's a suitable name

**Ashe**

great! I'm glad you agree :) 

**Linhardt**

Can you also tell Caspar to do his assignment? The annotated bibliography is due next week and I know he hasn't started it. 

**Ashe**

why don't you tell him yourself?

**Linhardt**

Couldn't be bothered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact the document for this is named poopcunt
> 
> pls know this is set a week after the last chapter so don't come for me for both chapters being dated tuesday
> 
> next chapter I'll bring in others I promise uwu

**Author's Note:**

> im not funny i apologise


End file.
